What If We Took “Should” Out of Our Vocabulary With Horses?
- Suzy Maloney B.Eq.Sc.
- Sep 2
- 3 min read
Spend a little time around horse people and you’ll hear the word “should” spoken often. “My horse should stand still at the mounting block.” “He should load on the float without fuss.” “She should canter when I ask.” The word rolls easily off the tongue, but beneath it lies an expectation that often sets both horse and human up for conflict. What if, instead of saying our horses should do something, we removed that word from our vocabulary altogether?
The implications of such a shift are more profound than they might first appear. Horses don’t live by “should.” They live in the present moment, responding to their environment, their bodies, and their experiences. When we impose “should,” we project our own timeline, our own cultural expectations, onto an animal whose world works very differently. By letting go of “should,” we open ourselves to curiosity, empathy, and a more authentic partnership.
The Trap of “Should”
When we say, “My horse should walk quietly down the road,” what we’re often expressing is frustration that they are not doing so. The word implies that the horse is somehow wrong, misbehaving, or failing in their role. From there, it’s a short step to blame, pressure, or even force. The horse’s behaviour becomes a problem to fix rather than a communication to listen to.
“Should” also blinds us to reality. If the horse is not walking quietly, then, in that moment, they cannot. Perhaps they are anxious, unbalanced, in pain, or confused by our signals. Insisting they should be different denies the truth of what’s happening right now and shuts down the chance to explore why.
Replacing “Should” With Curiosity
Imagine swapping “should” for questions. Instead of, “My horse should canter when I ask,” we might say, “I wonder why my horse isn’t cantering when I ask.” That simple change shifts us from judgment to curiosity. Curiosity invites us to observe more closely, to experiment, to learn. It leads us to consider the horse’s body, mind, and emotions, rather than measuring them against a rigid expectation.
This mindset opens possibilities: maybe the saddle pinches, maybe the horse lacks strength in their hindquarters, maybe they are worried about what’s up ahead. Suddenly, the horse is not failing us, they are giving us information. Our job becomes listening and responding, not correcting.
How “Should” Harms the Relationship
Horses thrive in environments where they feel safe and understood. The pressure of “should” undermines that safety. A horse who senses frustration or anger from their human quickly associates the task at hand with discomfort. Over time, “should” builds resistance and tension into the partnership.
By contrast, when we meet our horses where they are, the relationship deepens. A horse who is allowed to express discomfort without reprimand learns that their human is a safe companion. This builds trust, and trust creates the foundation for genuine progress.
Living Without “Should”
Taking “should” out of our vocabulary is not about abandoning goals or standards. It’s about reframing how we get there. Instead of, “My horse should load on the float,” we might say, “I would like my horse to feel comfortable loading on the float.” That change honours the horse’s experience and focuses on the process, not just the outcome.
Without “should,” we begin to see progress as a shared journey. Each small step, approaching the ramp, sniffing the float, placing one hoof inside, becomes a success worth celebrating. We learn patience, and our horses learn confidence.
A New Language of Partnership
Language shapes thought, and thought shapes behaviour. By dropping “should,” we strip away an invisible layer of pressure and entitlement that so often colours human horse interactions. What replaces it is a language of respect, possibility, and partnership.
The horse world doesn’t need more rules about what horses should do. It needs more people willing to listen, adapt, and build trust. Horses already give us so much—strength, beauty, companionship, and their very willingness to share their lives with us. When we let go of “should,” we give something back: the gift of being truly seen and heard.
What if we took “Should” out of our vocabulary with horses? Perhaps less frustration, fewer battles, and more understanding. Perhaps softer hands, calmer hearts, and deeper connections. Most importantly, we might find ourselves relating to horses not as tools to perform, but as sentient beings to partner with. And that is a change worth making.
Happy Horses Bitless
Considerate Horsemanship
Ph: 0401 249 263
Email: suzy@happyhorsesbitless.com
Facebook: Happy Horses Bitless Bridles
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